Want to know more about how to deal with guilt and shame in recovery? These are some tips that helped me to overcome feelings of guilt and shame after I got sober.
I can’t even count the times where I woke up and just hung my head in shame. But what I struggled with for a long time were the things I did under the influence that I would never do if I were sober. How I treated certain people, the words I spoke, the way I behaved. It took a while before I could make peace with it all and stopped wishing I could turn back time to undo it all.
You are going to learn about ways that can help you deal with guilt and shame in recovery such as practicing self-compassion, forgiving yourself, and more.
After reading this post you will have some tools that can assist you in your healing journey because that is what recovery is for the most part.
This post is all about ways to deal with feelings of guilt and shame in recovery.
What Is The Difference Between Guilt And Shame?
Before we dive into the tips, let’s see what the definitions of guilt and shame are according to the Cambridge Dictionary:
- Guilt = a feeling of worry or unhappiness that you have because you have done something wrong, such as causing harm to another person:
- Shame = an uncomfortable feeling of guilt or of being ashamed because of your own or someone else’s bad behavior:
Looking at the meanings of the words guilt and shame, we can conclude that guilt is focused on behavior and actions, while shame is focused on one’s sense of self. Guilt can motivate positive change and growth, whereas shame tends to be more damaging to self-esteem and overall well-being. I felt guilty for not giving my ex-partner the attention he deserved, but I feel ashamed about the fact that I picked a fight every time I was completely f*cked up and blamed him for my problems.. over the last years I have met a lot of people in recovery and especially people that are new on the sober journey battle with shame and guilt a lot.
Let’s look at some tools I have used to deal with guilt and shame.
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings & Take Accountability
The first step and in my opinion, the most important one, is to acknowledge your feelings and stop trying to suppress them. In the beginning, my feelings of shame and guilt were so overwhelming I was afraid to let these feelings come to the surface because it gave me this awful feeling of anxiousness. However, I came to realize that I needed to recognize and acknowledge the pain caused to myself AND others as avoiding or denying my feelings only prolongs the healing process. Allow yourself to fully experience the emotions that arise. Sit with them for a moment and just allow.
But… don’t judge!
We are trying to be compassionate with ourselves here, more about the concept of self-compassion later.
While being as kind to yourself as possible, it is equally important to take responsibility for what you have done – take accountability. Accepting responsibility for your actions allows you to learn from your mistakes and grow as an individual.
So, the next time you’re in the car and you’re overcome with unpleasant feelings and you’re having flashbacks of that one time you said that one thing to that one person…. let it come. Breathe through it, don’t judge yourself.
2. Journal As If Your Life Depended On It
Journalling about your thoughts and feelings can help you to understand the situation. When I am stuck in my head and repeating the narratives over and over, it only gets worse and worse. And guess what, I start beating myself up for it more and more. That’s not what we want.
Get a special notebook where you will write everything down – your special shame and guilt booklet.
Reflect on the situations that happened and just write down everything that happened from A to B. Don’t let anything out, no one will read it ever anyway as you write for yourself to understand exactly what happened. Write down as many details of the situations that occurred as you can. Writing everything down also allows you to look at it objectively.
The ultimate goal here is to let it all out. All of it!
3. Talk About It
Now that you have got it all out on paper, go and talk about it with someone. Make sure you pick someone who you can trust & who you feel like you can be open with. So no, you’re not going to pour your heart out to your hairdresser or your neighbor from 4 houses away. You understand what I mean, make sure you feel comfortable with the person and that you feel you can let everything out without being judged.
Discussing your feelings with others can also provide fresh perspectives and insights. The person to whom you are telling all this may be able to reassure you, maybe it is all not as bad as it seems. The point here is to seek support from others and to learn that you don’t have to do this alone.
I find it very difficult to express my feelings to others. But by doing this, I have noticed that my head does not overflow as much. Also, by sharing things with others I have improved relationships: trust grows on both sides and this is super valuable.
Do you enjoy it when a friend comes up to you to talk, making you feel trusted and valued? Well, guess what? Your friend appreciates that too
4. Practice Self-Compassion
Oh my.. self-compassion. Something I have a love-hate relationship with. My counselor drove me mad by telling me to practice self-compassion. I didn’t know what self-compassion was and I certainly did not know how to be nice and loving towards myself. It took me a while to get the concept of self-compassion and see now how important it is. How would you talk to your best friend? How would you comfort your best friend? Guess what! Now you are YOUR best friend. So you are going to treat yourself exactly the way you would treat her/him. Work on your self-talk.
Contrary to what you may think, self-compassion doesn’t mean being complacent or letting yourself off the hook. Instead, it provides a supportive foundation for growth and self-improvement. By acknowledging your mistakes and limitations with kindness, you can learn from them and make positive changes in your life.
5. Forgive Yourself
Self-forgiveness is not about excusing or justifying our actions; rather, it’s about acknowledging our imperfections and embracing our humanity. While forgiving others may seem easier, forgiving ourselves can be a more challenging and deeply personal process.
It might seem hard in the beginning, but realize that you are just human. Humans make mistakes, and so do you. Here we go again: how would you talk to your best friend if she were in the same situation? Right. You would give her a pep-talk, be loving and understanding. Be your own best friend and be a little nicer to yourself. Don’t expect to have forgiven yourself overnight either. No, this takes time and you must grant yourself that time. Use the experiences as opportunities for growth and learning. Reflect on what you can learn from the situation and how you can make different choices in the future. Focus on the lessons learned rather than dwelling on the past.
So….
What I have learned is that the people who love you and are supposed to be in your life will eventually forgive you. And if they don’t, that is their right as well. Even if it feels to you like it is not justified, everyone is entitled to her or his opinion. You cannot control another person, the only thing you can control is what you do with it. All you can do is show that you have improved your life and that you are no longer the person you once were. I firmly believe that everything is and will be as it should be. It is going to take some time, but what has happened has happened and as much as we would like it sometimes – we cannot turn back time. We can only look forward and try to make the right choices in the future.
